As we muster up the courage to pursue new visions in life (e.g., a new job or career, additional schooling, a city we’ve always wanted to live in), we often find ourselves faced with many changes. This may include transitioning to a new physical environment, to new friends and co-workers, and to new behaviors. If we’re already a “think outside the norm” kind of person, such adjustments may present even greater challenges.

I’ve already had to adjust to a broad range of settings in my lifetime; and chances are that you have, too. For me, one of the greatest difficulties of such transitions has been leaving behind the comfort of already-developed relationships and forming new ones. I remember, for example, when I left a working-class neighborhood in urban small-town Ohio to attend an extremely wealthy high school on scholarship. I had never been out of the state, and was suddenly surrounded by individuals whose worlds had been much different than mine. (To put this in perspective, a single year’s tuition was greater than my family’s annual income.)

Many years have passed since then, but I still remember it vividly. Although my new friends and I shared many of the joys and struggles common to humankind, it was not an easy. I was surrounded by a very different environment and very different people, and was not used to feeling like such an…individual! I felt exposed, and simultaneously afraid and excited by the opportunity I had to define myself in a new setting. I learned a great deal about who I was, and who I was not. Additionally, I began to develop a foundation of courage to take on future transitions – some related to change of location, some related to shifts in career, some related to changes in lifestyle.

Not every pursuit of a new vision involves an obvious change in both surroundings and people. Sometimes it can involve a relatively small but important change in our behavior, or in the way we express our core purpose, values and strengths–the extent to which we expose our Authentic Side. This alone can drastically alter our relationships with other people. This can be a good thing, but fear of this change in relationships can stand in our way of pursuing what is important to us.

For example, I recently sent out messages to a large number of relatives and old friends letting them know about my just-completed book. I spent some time debating whether to include some of the items, like mentioning that the book discusses how racism, sexism and homophobia can stand in our way of personal success. I knew that this would “turn off” a number of people, but I included it anyway. I even went so far as to include taboo words like “veganism” and “lesbian”… yikes.

So what was I fearing in both of these cases? What was I afraid of losing as I strove for greater authenticity? A few assumptions we make about relationships include the following:

1) Our family and current friends will dislike us because it may seem we’re trying to be better than they are. Or, they may not like us as we change. We’ll lose acceptance and affection.

My thoughts on this: Yes, this is possible, particularly if we’re transitioning to a setting where economic class or race are very different. However, are we doing anyone a favor by stunting our own growth? Are we showing others love, or are we really just being selfish by worrying about how our relationships enable us to stay comfortable right where we are?

Sometimes the greatest love involves risking our acceptance. To paraphrase Marianne Williams, by living up to our potential we give others permission to do the same. Don’t give your loved ones permission to be content with same old same old!

Relatedly, Will Tuttle writes eloquently about the “collective intelligence” that joins both humans and other animals. Failing to act in line with our nature – or denying other sentient beings the ability to act in line with their nature – decreases both collective and personal intelligence over time, disrupting balance, creating systemic denial, fostering detachment, and eventually harming all of us. While Tuttle’s conversation revolves around how we systemically oppress other animals, we’re often just as guilty of oppressing other people in subtle ways without even realizing it. So by striving to become ourselves, even it it makes others uncomfortable on occasion, we’re respecting our intelligence and theirs.

2) As we pursue success, we’ll become lonely and have to manage new challenges on our own.

My thoughts on this: This is connected to #1, and we may have to tolerate some temporary loneliness as we transition. I’ve certainly experienced this. However, keep in mind that as we live more in line with our Authentic Side, we will also – if we choose – attract people who are more closely aligned with who we really are. Additionally, we may grow even closer with family and old friends who are also in the process of becoming more authentic. Over time, this will generally equate to more support for doing what’s really important to us.

We must also be careful not to isolate ourselves from people we know, labeling ourselves as “different” or “better” as we continue to strip away our facades and pursue the lifestyles, careers, hobbies and relationships that align with our Authentic Side. Otherwise, as Peter Gabriel noted in his song about success-induced arrogance, we’ll need a larger pillow for our overgrown heads. And we’ll find ourselves lonely indeed.

Do any of these resemble fears you’ve had to face or are currently facing? What other relationship-related fears have you had to overcome when pursuing what is important to you?